The Victims of 2008

That’s it. I can hold my silence no longer. I have stood by ‘til now, but no more. We must rise up and, united in our strength and wits, put an end to the year 2008 before it puts an end to anyone else. We must strike hard and fast for it has stolen Heath Ledger from us before we could witness his manic magnificence in The Dark Knight, it silenced the voice of soul himself, Isaac Hayes, and it even got Tim Russert – signed off forever, may he rest in peace. Even comedians weren’t safe, as it sent Bernie Mac and George Carlin to the big comedy club in the sky. Well, I’m sure Carlin didn’t get in but he didn’t care for the owner of the club anyway. Actually, he didn’t care for life here either, so I guess it evens outs. But September 2 was the last straw. That was the day it took Don LaFontaine from us and he shall not be forgotten.

Don’t recognize the name immediately? Don’t worry, you haven’t forgotten him yet. LaFontaine was the guy who did the voiceovers for every movie trailer you ever watched. He was the guy who could make the most wretched piece of cinema look mind-bogglingly attractive by the sheer force of his voice alone. “In a world,” he’d start with a boom, “where cyborg ninjas have conquered America, only one man stands for hope. Part cop. Part vigilante. Part transvestite. All action. See Eddie Murphy, Rob Schneider and Gilbert Gottfried in High Heels, High Impact. This summer, justice wears a bra. Directed by Uwe Boll.” And then, by some black magic, you’d want to see this film. This man’s voice was the Midas touch, turning cinematic excrement to solid gold. And he’s gone.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t live in a world where this guy doesn’t do the voiceovers for my movies. I can’t even fathom it. Worse yet, 2008 even scribbled out John Alvin, the artist behind such iconic movie posters as Stars War, Blade Runner, and E.T. The plot thickens when you consider that Alvin did his first poster for Mel Brook’s Blazing Saddles, the film which contains the most well known role for the recently deceased Harvey Korman. Yes folks, 2008 even got Hedy Lamarr.

“That’s Hedley!”

Right. We need to get off our butts and put an end to 2008 once and for all. I’d recommend a full out assault, guns blazing, but I think it would be difficult to physically attack, let alone best this nefarious year in armed combat. Or any year for that matter. No, this will require a measure of our cunning. Perhaps time travel is the answer? If so, we need to get our hands on some type of mechanism like the Sands of Time (Prince of Persia), a teleporter (Terminator), or H.G. Wells’ titular Time Machine itself. Assuming we do not age during time travel, we could live forever. Unfortunately, we’d probably get pretty bored. Plus, having no jobs and limited budgets, we would have to exit the time stream often to visit Mickey Dee’s for sustenance. Surely, a fate worse than death.

Okay, I guess time travel isn’t the answer. We could find one of those monoliths from Space Odyssey 2001, but then we’d be subjected to trippy Photoshop filters for at least fifteen minutes before being turned into floating space babies. The author of Space Odyssey, Arthur C. Clarke, could certainly solve this conundrum if our wretched foe had not claimed him as well. Perhaps the fantasy element holds the answer, some ancient rune or artifact that unlocks immortality. Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeons & Dragons, could lend a hand if he hadn’t ran out of HP in March.

I don’t know. Maybe we can’t take down 2008. Maybe it’s up to each of us to do the best he and she can, and fill all these shoes left behind. I just wish I had more than two feet.