Ah, another year, another Thanksgiving. Could any holiday be greater than family coming together over a delicious and disproportionately large turkey carcass to express gratitude for their collective health and continued existence? Of course not, that’s why all the great Thanksgiving films are about people rushing home to be with their family like, uh, erm, that’s really more of a Christmas movie plot now that I think about it. Well, whatever. We can’t forget all the great Thanksgiving films about learning to value others like, uhm, well, that’s a Christmas movie plot too. Actually, now that I think about it, are there any Thanksgiving flicks?
Hmm, maybe A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving?
It plays out the same way every year: Stores begin selling Halloween themed merchandise in late September and continue to do so right up until the holiday. Does the same happen for Thanksgiving? Not really. Part of the problem is that there isn’t anything to wear or put up like there is for Halloween and Christmas. Perhaps if the holiday was celebrated in giant turkey suits we’d have something, or maybe we could go the Talk like a Pirate day route and make everyone “Gobble Gobble” for a good twenty four hours.
Either way, it doesn’t matter because Christmas starts earlier every year and people leave their decorations up for a small eternity. I know I’ve already heard Christmas tunes during a late night trip to Wal-Mart, a small taste of the grating banality to come as I’ll be forced by shopping centers everywhere to endure every version of Jingle Bells from Frank Sinatra to Gwar.
People talk about the War on Christmas, well what about the War on Thanksgiving? It’s clear that Christmas is the real antagonist here. The forces of the jolly red fat one have marched across the line of demarcation and waged open warfare on the legions of the grateful fowls. Sadly, this may not be a fight that Thanksgiving can win.
Can it be blamed for being a poorly placed holiday? Putting Thanksgiving before Christmas is like sitting a child down the day before his birthday and asking him to express deep appreciation for all the stuff he got for his last birthday. He probably can’t even remember what he got and, if he can, it’s probably broken by now.
Then there’s the whole Pilgrim/Indian issue. To be honest, history class was kind of weird growing up. One week your learning about Manifest Destiny and Andrew Jackson’s open disdain for the Native Americans and the next week half the class was dressed up as them in a cute little play filled with joy and harmony. I mean, come on, you know the kids would rather be reenacting Wounded Knee or Custard’s Last Stand, much to their parents’ delightful horror. It would be fun and historically accurate.
I’ve got it! Here’s my solution: Let’s move Thanksgiving back to spring, right after winter stops. I mean, none of us are farmers so does it really matter when we’re thankful? This way, our thankfulness remains untainted by an impending Christmas and we can be additionally thankful that we are no longer freezing our butts off.
Some of you may cry, “What about the parades?” or “I like Thanksgiving where it is!” Don’t worry, the old Thanksgiving will simply be replaced, giving us an extra holiday. The new Thanksgiving will be referred to as Wanting day, yes, accurately reflecting the true spirit of the Pilgrims and prepping the populace for a season of rampant spending. It’s politically correct and completely marketable! Wait, where are you going? Come back here, don’t be that way. It’s a good idea, really!
Bah, humbug.
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