When I was nine years old, M.Bison drove me to tears.

In the distant future of the year 20XX, Blue Bomber fans everywhere have cause for joy and jubilation. Megaman 9 is now available on Xbox Live Arcade, WiiWare, and Playstation Network. Featuring classic 8-bit graphics, music, and sound effects, the nostalgia alone will certainly warm the hearts of many Nintendo veterans, but don’t be surprised when some equally old and unpleasant feelings rise to the surface.

You see, it’s been twelve years since the last Megaman game. Oh sure, there’s been Megaman Legends, Megaman X, Megaman Battle Network, Megaman Starforce, Megaman Zero and Megaman ZX, but there hasn’t been an original Megaman game in a long time. Do you know what’s happened in those twelve years? Video games got easier. A lot easier. Simply put, most video games today do not demand the pure dedication and perfection that the classics of the NES and SNES era asked of us.

Take the original Super Mario Brothers, for instance. As a child, I can distinctly remember beating this game and yet, as a college student, I find this to be unbelievable. How could any child accomplish such an insurmountable task?

First off, everything in the game killed you in one hit unless you had a fire flower or a mushroom. No regenerating shield. No health packs. If you fell into a hole, you died outright. You started the game with only three lives. That’s it. If you died three times, you were done unless, of course, you managed to find some 1-ups. For the unaware, 1-ups are those green mushrooms you see on everyone’s Oh-so-retro Hot Topic hoodies.

Now, the game had eight worlds with four levels for each world. In the original version there was no save feature, so if you were going to beat the game then you had to do it in one sitting, but you couldn’t. No, assuming you didn’t wuss out and use the secret warps to skip ahead, you were destined to die again, and again, and again until you either a) became a master of twitch response or b) memorized all the levels. Spoiler: You had to do both. Many nights simply ended in defeat.

Halo 3’s well documented ability to drive the purest of souls to obscenity does not begin to touch the likes of Mario and Megaman. Games like this taught children across the world the true meaning of futility. Despite our best efforts, despite our unyielding concentration, we would fail time and time again. Our concentration would turn to frustration, our frustration to rage, and our rage to tears of resignation. Mr. Rogers and Barney told us we could do anything, but Mario and Megaman were there to slap us in the face and bring life back into perspective.

Megaman 9 is that old age of gaming reborn. It will punish you. You’ll jump over a pit only to have a little grey bot leap out and hit you, forcing you to fall to instant death. You’ll fight a series of giant robot elephants that roll large metal balls at you while you have to dodge more instant death pits. These floppy eared jerks will kill you, repeatedly. You will have to memorize each level perfectly. You will have to make precision jumps. You will suffer. You will realize that your Halo skills, your Ninja Gaiden skills, and your ability to beat Devil May Cry 3 on Dante Must Die mode means nothing in the face of Dr. Wily and his eight Robot Masters and, if you are strong enough, you will rise victorious.

Personally, I’d rather just download Cave Story for PC or WiiWare and enjoy a significantly less frustrating robot themed shoot-em-up. I mean, sure, Megaman 9 has evil elephants but Cave Story has a goofy evil minion named Balrog who is either a suitcase, a lunchbox, or a toaster. It’s kind of hard to tell.