Insects, Celebrities, and the Past Lives Thereof

I hate spiders. I loathe them with all of my being. I’ll admit, insects in general disturb me, scurrying about in their highly detailed carapaces and segmented exoskeletons, like its okay to be walking around with their insides on the outside, but spiders are a whole different bag. Just watching their eight dagger-like legs dance across a table is enough to send me fleeing, looking for the nearest shoe or spiked mace to wield in my defense.

All that considered, it’s not surprising that the website for the game Deadly Creatures, due out this February on the Wii, initially weirded me out. In the game, the player will assume the roll of a spider or a scorpion and fight lizards, black widows, and snakes. Yep, that’s it.

Visiting the game’s website, I was greeted with all that Flash interface crap companies like to throw around these days. The twist here was that the site was crawling with insects. That itchy feeling started up. I clicked on the video section to see the game in action. It loaded up and I watched as a beetle waddled across a filthy bathroom floor. Slowly, a spider appeared from behind. I felt a slight shiver. The spider followed his prey with the greatest stealth and reared up to strike. I did a check of the ceiling corners in my room, just to be safe.

Suddenly, a scorpion appeared behind the spider. That seemed a little unlikely. How did these three not notice each other before? Before I could raise further objection, the scorpion leapt forward and grabbed the spider, sending them both rolling. He followed this up by pummeling the spider over the head with his pincers. That seemed like a misuse of his natural weapons. Somewhere within the following quick cuts of insectoid mortal combat, I’m pretty sure I saw the scorpion do a suplex , which is strange because I can’t really work out how a scorpion would pull that off. Whatever the logistics, the mood was spoiled. The moment had switched from subtle creepiness to WWF.

In addition to being the flagship for the exciting new genre of bug fighting, the game will feature the vocal talents of both Dennis Hopper and Billy Bob Thornton. It may seem like a lot of big name talent, but it doesn’t surprise me in the least.

As we all know, Dennis Hopper is just a poor man's Anthony Hopkins, but this should not be held against him. It’s not his fault he was named Dennis and fell to the same fate that befalls all people named Dennis, to be an inferior copy of a superior person. For instance, Dennis Quaid is a poor man's Harrison Ford. Dennis Leary and Miller are inferior copies of George Carlin and Bill Hicks.

It should be noted, however, that musicians have a knack for dodging the Dennis bullet. Take Dennis Brain, one of the greatest horn players in history, Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys, or Dennis Coles, better known as Ghostface Killah of the Wu-Tang clan. As is commonly known by scholars and men of intellectual renown, one does not fuck with the Wu-Tang.

Long story shot, they probably wanted Mr. Hopkins. As for Billy Bob, he has such an unsavory visage that he fits right in. If anyone in Hollywood is one day revealed to be a giant talking spider in disguise, Billy Bob will be our man. Alternatively, I would like to suggest that Billy Bob was probably a spider in his past life which explains his well-documented phobia of large silver spoons and antique furniture, which he had to perilously traverse to avoid being killed by French nobles. Antique furniture. Hmm. I feel better about my fears now, don’t you?