Drugs, Money, and Theme Parks

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think vegetarians who pontificate about animals being equal to humans while stuffing their face with tofu meat is superbly odd, like a man denouncing cannibalism while eating hufu (human tofu, for the unaware.) Not wrong, not immoral, just very, very odd.

Actually, I've never said any of that before, but I have said that one of the great things about living in Orlando is the proximity to theme parks and I could have started off talking about that, but I thought, "Cannibalism doesn't get enough air time." I mean, sure, it's a big taboo in our society, but hey, have you ever really thought about it? As a lifestyle choice? No? Oh well.

In addition to theme parks, I'll also say this: It pays to have financially affluent friends who can get you express passes at Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios. In fact, in this time of great economic recession, I would highly recommend getting palsy-walsy with every rich person you can find. Who knows, maybe you'll luck out and get to live life the Entourage way, riding on the coattails of another man's (or woman's) success. This may be seen as underhanded or even manipulative, but it's really quite the opposite. You see, rich people expect to buy their friends; that's why they became rich in the first place.

So, with The Dark Knight freshly snubbed for Best Picture at the Oscars, no peace in the Middle East, and the economy spiraling into ever greater distress, I took a trip downtown and spent a night at the Royal Pacific Resort before embarking on my Universal Adventure.

The Royal Pacific, as the name may suggest, has a strange quasi-Hawaiian/quasi-Caribbean thing going on. I say thing because it's not really a vibe or a jive, and it's definitely not a funk. The tropic flavor found in the thatched roofing and lamps carved out of wood was often countered by large white pillars or bland-but-pricey furniture. In general, it felt like someone took a rich man's house and decided that it needed an extra thousand or so rooms. I will nonetheless praise the Royal Pacific Resort for the air conditioner in my room, which was capable of flash freezing a star on the verge of going supernova.

If you have not been to Islands of Adventure in a while, you'll be happy to know that it is much the same. The entrance still says "The Adventure Begins" and the exit still says "The Adventure continues ..." which creates a bit of a continuity error for returning guests. The only way it makes sense is this: Somewhere out in the real world, the adventure dies. Upon perceiving this, I was inconsolably depressed for all of five seconds.

As for the park: The Hulk is still a great roller coaster, the line for Doctor Doom is still too long, and there are still people wandering about Seuss Landing in a drug-induced haze. I must report, however, that the Ministry of Magic had closed down a good portion of the Lost Continent so that a certain boy wizard with a funny scarf and a scar on his forehead could set up shop.

While I am no fan of Harry Potter (and I pray that the Dueling Dragons will not become the Dueling Broomsticks for reasons as obvious as they are obscene), I can't help but commend the park's decision. After all, the Lost Continent was always the odd man out, surrounded by big name franchises like Jurassic Park and Marvel Super Hero Island. It was disconcerting to pass by familiar characters like Wolverine, Popeye, and the little DNA sequence guy from the first JP movie, only to show up in Random Fantasy Land, which was kind of Tolkien-esque but also kind of Arabian with a bit of Ancient Greek stylings dashed in for flavor.

Here's a fun thought: At least once, a mentally adrift Seuss Landing denizen has taken a left turn and found himself paralyzed with fear, locked in a deathgaze with that one gryphon statue (you know the one I'm taking about) at the entrance to the Lost Contienent. Careful though, don't think for a moment that our little Seusser's fear wasn't justified. You have to realize that, for the gryphon, it doesn't count as cannibalism.